Friendship. You never realize how important it is until you no longer have it or have less of it. What is the definition of friendship? It is the state of being a friend; a friendly relation or intimacy; friendly feeling or disposition. In my experience, people have different views on what makes a friend. Some see it as someone they can go out with it and the weekend. Others may see a friend as someone they can go to when times are hard. Others consider people they barely know as friends and it is a competition to see how many “friends” they can get (thank you MySpace and Facebook.) But if you really think about it, how many so called “friends” are going to be with you when you need it most. Probably not very many which is very sad. At least I know no matter what I have two people besides my family that love me for me. Our friendship doesn’t have any conditions to follow. It just is.
I think back to when I was at my worst and how I pushed so many people away. I hated myself and I guess I needed everyone to hate me too. It gave me a reason to say “see, my friends don’t even like me” and it gave me a reason to feel sorry for myself. Self-perception is never ending battle for me. I am never going to look at myself and really like who is looking back. It is something I have to accept. I am never going to be skinny or beautiful and at this rate, I am never going to get married or have kids. It hurts but what else can I do? I am just really happy to have my friends. They may not live around me but they are there for me. I want the best for them too even it means I am the one left behind. I always deal with it.
There are moments when I would give anything to trade spots with my sister. Why didn’t I have stage IV cancer? I know that is awful to say but I don’t have much to lose. She has a great boyfriend and three kids. It is just me here. But I guess God didn’t want it that way. I just wish I knew his plan because I am getting tired of waiting for something good to happen especially since I can’t find the good anywhere and it doesn’t find me. But maybe it is not supposed to find me or vice versa. Well I better get ready to go. Have a good night!
