I know it has been awhile and really cannot say I have been busy because if I am honest, I haven’t been. I guess I have been uninspired. The past year has been a roller coaster to say the least. So much has happened but yet I feel like I am in the exact same place I was a year ago. I have made changes. I stopped taking my antidepressants. I am happy with that decision. I feel like me. The pod person I became was not me. It took all of the emotion and caring out of me. It helped but I didn’t want to be dependant. I feel like now I have better control and I can cry! I know that is a weird thing to say but you don’t realize how much you miss it until you can no longer do it.
So crying has been accomplished but everything else is at a standstill. I haven’t accomplished much at all. Maybe that is why I stopped posting. There has been nothing to post about. Life just is at the moment. I really want to make changes but at the same time, that first step seems impossible. I know changes are needed because it is a sad day when you would trade places with a friend who is dealing with a psycho ex jus to have something new happen. I start to question my own sanity when I am jealous when her ex calls her 40 times in one day. I should clarify that I really don’t want a psycho ex but it would be nice to feel wanted. You can’t see it but I am shaking my head because I know how crazy it all sounds.
So here I am no boyfriend and willing to settle with a crazy person just to feel wanted. I am still overweight and not any better looking. I know I have the power to change this but I would be doing it by myself and I just can’t seem to push myself. I need a push but I don’t have anyone to push me. You would think being fat and ugly would be enough but surprisingly, it doesn’t really do it. So instead, I have this irrational fear of being single forever, being too fat to fit through the door, dying alone, and not have anyone to be there for me when I need them.
It doesn’t help when everyone asks if there is a guy in my life. Where am I supposed to meet this said guy? At work, not happening. It has been 5 years and no one is interested. At home? Not happening either. I rarely see any single straight men. My sister doesn’t do anything but stay home but it is not like she knows anyone anyway. The friends I do have here are no help either. It doesn’t really concern them and my happiness is really not their concern. They have their own issues. So it is just up to me and leaving things up to me is never a good choice. So what am I suppose to do?
I guess I can spend some more time thinking about it but the answer never comes. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I mean I should be happy with what I have. I have a few great friends, a great family and a good job that pays well. I shouldn’t be so selfish to want more but I cannot help myself. I keep hoping there has to be something more out there for me. I mean there has to be, right?
