2010 coming to an end...

I really can’t believe the year is almost over. It goes by so fast! I don’t know about you all, but I am ready for a new year. It is going to be a bittersweet year but I am ready for whatever comes my way! As you can tell from my previous posts, I have been dealing with a lot and have been working on getting better. I am not there yet but it is coming along. I definitely don’t feel as helpless as I use to but I still struggle with my own self worth. I still don’t see myself clearly and I am still convinced that it is others who can’t see me clearly. Ridiculous, I know.

So with a new year comes new goals. I don’t make New Year’s resolutions because I don’t keep them. So I am not going to say “this year, I will do this” because it is just asking for failure. I will however set goals and start working on them. It doesn’t mean they have to be a 100% completed by the end of next year. It just means I have a plan. Setting a time limit can do one of two things: It can stress me out and I end up giving up or I can meet it right away and then not keep up with it. For me, it has to be a gradual thing.

My first goal is to work on me. I need to find a way to be happy with myself and to stop going after the temporary highs such as shopping, eating, etc. I can be a selfish person and my therapist said at this point in time, it is ok to do so. I worry about others all the time whether I show it or not. I worry about pleasing them and I stress when I know I am not pleasing them. I worry about what they think and how they will perceive me. I take blame for things that are not my fault but I feel obligated to do so. I constantly worry about my family which is not a bad thing but I feel obligated to fix things for them and I stop trying to fix myself. I am very stubborn but it doesn’t work in my favor. I have built so many walls and it is time for them to come down.

My second goal is to figure out what I want for my life. I need to trust that God has put me on this path for a reason and I need to decide where to go from here. There is song by Dana Glover and one of the lines is “there are two roads to walk down and one road to choose.” This pretty much sums up what it is I need to decide. I have control of my path and where I want it to go; I just don’t know where to go. It makes me anxious not knowing where to go from here by I have to remember the teachings in the bible. I want to share a couple verses with you.

1 Peter 5:7
Casting all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.

Philippians 4:6
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.

So hopefully I didn’t lose you. It is a really important for me to learn to let things go and trust in Him to know what is best for me. I carry a lot self hatred and anger and I just need to release it. I am definitely not perfect and I make plenty of mistakes. I am sure I will make many more. So I will leave you with one more quote.

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”

Swedish proverb

I hope you all have a Happy New Year and be safe!

~ L 

The Story So Far...

I have been trying to think of something creative and funny but there really isn’t anything funny about my blog tonight. I just think I should explain why I am here. It all started about 10-12 years ago give or take. I never ever felt like I fit in anywhere. I wasn’t necessary awkward but I definitely wasn’t normal. I grew up in a neighborhood with mostly boys and the few girlfriends I had were horrible. I always felt left out and was taunted for one thing or another. I never minded playing with the boys but when they started to notice the other girls, I was a passing thought. I spent a lot of time growing up trying to find friends that would stick. Over the years, I had a few good ones but I never belonged to a group until high school. Of course by this time, the damage was already done. I have always been shy but I wonder if I really was shy or just forced into it. At this point it really doesn’t matter. High school was hell for me. I had friends but I felt like my parents kept me on a short leash. I would see my friends go to parties and have fun but I was at home with my parents. My mom really didn’t like to have anyone over and my dad wasn’t always sober enough to have friends over. I want to make sure to clarify that my parents are awesome and every family is dysfunctional. I believe they did what they could. I was the last one so any “mistakes” made with the first two was directed towards me. They had complete control. It wasn’t all bad but the depression started around the time I turned 14/15.

My freshman year was hard because I seemed to be the last girl to develop. I could still get by wearing kids clothes. I just wanted curves like the rest of my friends. Of course I would give anything to be that small again. I definitely don’t have the same problem at 26. My sophomore year was a transition year for me. I had different friends. I seemed happier but that all went away when the guy I had a crush on didn’t like me back because I was not a size 0. Who would have thought that a size 5 would be considered fat?  No wonder girls feel the need to be skinny. I shouldn’t have let him have so much control but I was surrounded by beautiful girls and I was not one of them. I was and am very plain looking. The insecurities were always there but they were in full force by the time I graduated high school. I didn’t like myself but I tried to hide it. I always wondered if my friends really noticed what I was going through. It never seemed like they did but maybe I became too good at hiding it.

College was disappointing. I wanted a real college experience but never got it. Instead I was commuting almost every day and working all the time. The depression started to change my body. I began to gain weight and sought comfort in food and shopping. Thanks to all the shopping and making crap money, I am now in debt. It was the only thing at the time that would make me happy. It was only temporary but it was better than nothing. College wasn’t all bad. I fell in love for the first time and met some awesome people. I experienced things that I never thought I would. My self esteem started to go up and for the first time, I felt truly happy. However, this not a fairytale and there was no happy ending. I let the same guy break my heart multiple times since the age of 19. You would think I would learn a lesson but I didn’t. I let another guy break my heart and break me down to nothing. I felt worthless and unlovable. Every single flaw I had was magnified a 100%. All I could see is what is wrong with me. I hit a low point when I started to harm myself. I have never told anyone this before but I was secretly hurting/cutting myself. It wasn’t enough to leave scars or really bleed. It was just enough for me to feel the pain and be able to see the angry, red, slightly bleeding mark. I cut in places where people couldn’t really see. I never told anyone because I was ashamed of being so weak and letting a guy dictate how I should feel about myself.

So the last straw came and I thought what I needed most was to get away. My sister was getting a divorce and college was almost over so I thought why not try something new? Right after college, I moved to Phoenix. I was naïve to think that it would solve all of my problems. It turns out, they just follow you. Things got progressively worse. Work was always good but my personal life was in shambles. I was alone. My only reprieve was my co-worker, Jessica. She was the only one to see parts of the real me. Of course, I have never shown anyone the “real” me but that is an issue for another time. So time went by and the depression and the increasing anxiety just kept getting worse. I couldn’t stop myself. I was angry, sad, bitter, and envious. I could barely leave the house except for work. I started to distance myself even more than before. I was irrational and scared of everything. I thought I wasn’t worth the time or attention. The more I thought it, the more it became true. I excelled at work because it was one of the few things I could control. I needed that control. It was all I thought I had. If I didn’t excel at work than I would be even less than nothing. I couldn’t deal with that. The weight packed on even more. I was at the point I didn’t want anyone I use to know to ever see me. I was disgusted with myself. The depression got worse and once again, I turned to the only thing that would make me feel better. Food and shopping became my solace. Just a temporary fix but I needed it. My mom begged me to seek therapy. I was becoming a shell. My emotions disappeared and I didn’t feel anything more. I became a bitch to those close to me. I didn’t want to let certain people in. I was afraid to get hurt. The funny thing was, I Was only hurting myself.

The breaking point came over the summer. I wasn’t getting along with anyone anymore. Positivity was a foreign word. My relationships were disintegrating before my eyes and I was at fault. I hid it as much as I could from my co-workers but at that point I was convinced that I could disappear forever and no one would notice. Finally, in August, I sought help. I started seeing a therapist and then a psychiatric nurse practioner. My therapist thinks I have a chemical imbalance. The NP strongly advised I go on antidepressants to treat my depression and social anxiety. So my journey to mental health and happiness starts here and I will take you through the process. I know I left stuff out but editing does not sound like fun right now. There is more to come but for tonight I say, goodnight.

- L

The Weekend and My Obsession

The weekend is finally here! I for one did not think it would ever get here. I have been extremely tired this week and I am already ready to go to bed. I don't know if it is stress or the increase of my dosage. Either way, it sucks. This weekend shouldn't be too busy but I want to finish all of my Christmas shopping. I do not want to be a last minute shopper this year. Now if I only can get the rest of my family to cooperate! Tomorrow will be Christmas with sister and co. The kids are really excited to open gifts!

Speaking of Christmas, I have a new found love for boots. My sister bought me an awesome pair from Zappos and I am officially hooked! I want more boots but I am trying to pace myself. I have a hard time denying myself of the things I want. My other obsession is makeup. I need it like the air I breathe. It is ridiculous but I am always finding new things I want. I think I spend way too much money on it but I love it. I lack confidence but it does give me a little boost in the morning.

One last thing, if anyone really does read this, I should probably start getting to the point of the blog. I am working on my new post now and it should explain a little more about me and why this is needed. However, I believe I did warn you that it would be random! Be back soon!

-L

Just a little more...

I guess I am not done just yet with my thoughts for the day. I am highly addicted to makeup tutorials on YouTube. It started right after I started therapy. I don't know why but I just love watching them and now I am obsessed with make up and it is extreme craziness. So why the sudden obsession? I have a theory. I believe it is because I am not happy with myself and I feel the need to cover every imperfection I think I have. Did you catch the think? Of course I have thrown too much money into this new hobby of mine. I have to keep reminding myself that I am just searching for the temporary happiness it gives me. My therapist says it is not a healthy way to feel better. I know this but for some reason I cannot stop myself. What is really weird is since I started the Zoloft, the things I use to enjoy just don't interest me as much. I really want to read a book or sit through a movie without feeling antsy. I just cant sit still for too long. I am sure my body is still getting acclimated but I would like to get back to some of the things I love.

Anyway, for Christmas, my mom gave me some awesome cosmetic organizers. I added the picture of my desk/vanity below. I am still organizing and waiting for the last piece I ordered. Well, back to YouTube I go!

- L

A New Beginning

There have been many times I have asked myself if this is the life I want. My answer? No. I always thought life would turn out so differently. I am sure everyone does but I never thought at 26 I would be so alone. I pictured myself married with kids by now. My sister and brother were and did before they hit 25. Granted, both are divorced but that is not my point. I just thought my life would be more settled. I have a great job and I am extremely grateful for every opportunity it has given me. My family is dysfunctional but still amazing. I have a few great friends but I still feel so empty. I guess I never felt completely whole. I always wonder what life could have been if I would have done this or that but then remind myself I shouldn’t focus on the regrets. But don’t we do that anyway? So here I am, writing a blog about whatever comes to my mind. My therapist thinks this will be good a way to express my feelings. I decided to share it with the world just in case it might help someone in my same position. So get ready for the random!

-L

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.”

-unknown