I have been trying to think of something creative and funny but there really isn’t anything funny about my blog tonight. I just think I should explain why I am here. It all started about 10-12 years ago give or take. I never ever felt like I fit in anywhere. I wasn’t necessary awkward but I definitely wasn’t normal. I grew up in a neighborhood with mostly boys and the few girlfriends I had were horrible. I always felt left out and was taunted for one thing or another. I never minded playing with the boys but when they started to notice the other girls, I was a passing thought. I spent a lot of time growing up trying to find friends that would stick. Over the years, I had a few good ones but I never belonged to a group until high school. Of course by this time, the damage was already done. I have always been shy but I wonder if I really was shy or just forced into it. At this point it really doesn’t matter. High school was hell for me. I had friends but I felt like my parents kept me on a short leash. I would see my friends go to parties and have fun but I was at home with my parents. My mom really didn’t like to have anyone over and my dad wasn’t always sober enough to have friends over. I want to make sure to clarify that my parents are awesome and every family is dysfunctional. I believe they did what they could. I was the last one so any “mistakes” made with the first two was directed towards me. They had complete control. It wasn’t all bad but the depression started around the time I turned 14/15.
My freshman year was hard because I seemed to be the last girl to develop. I could still get by wearing kids clothes. I just wanted curves like the rest of my friends. Of course I would give anything to be that small again. I definitely don’t have the same problem at 26. My sophomore year was a transition year for me. I had different friends. I seemed happier but that all went away when the guy I had a crush on didn’t like me back because I was not a size 0. Who would have thought that a size 5 would be considered fat? No wonder girls feel the need to be skinny. I shouldn’t have let him have so much control but I was surrounded by beautiful girls and I was not one of them. I was and am very plain looking. The insecurities were always there but they were in full force by the time I graduated high school. I didn’t like myself but I tried to hide it. I always wondered if my friends really noticed what I was going through. It never seemed like they did but maybe I became too good at hiding it.
College was disappointing. I wanted a real college experience but never got it. Instead I was commuting almost every day and working all the time. The depression started to change my body. I began to gain weight and sought comfort in food and shopping. Thanks to all the shopping and making crap money, I am now in debt. It was the only thing at the time that would make me happy. It was only temporary but it was better than nothing. College wasn’t all bad. I fell in love for the first time and met some awesome people. I experienced things that I never thought I would. My self esteem started to go up and for the first time, I felt truly happy. However, this not a fairytale and there was no happy ending. I let the same guy break my heart multiple times since the age of 19. You would think I would learn a lesson but I didn’t. I let another guy break my heart and break me down to nothing. I felt worthless and unlovable. Every single flaw I had was magnified a 100%. All I could see is what is wrong with me. I hit a low point when I started to harm myself. I have never told anyone this before but I was secretly hurting/cutting myself. It wasn’t enough to leave scars or really bleed. It was just enough for me to feel the pain and be able to see the angry, red, slightly bleeding mark. I cut in places where people couldn’t really see. I never told anyone because I was ashamed of being so weak and letting a guy dictate how I should feel about myself.
So the last straw came and I thought what I needed most was to get away. My sister was getting a divorce and college was almost over so I thought why not try something new? Right after college, I moved to Phoenix. I was naïve to think that it would solve all of my problems. It turns out, they just follow you. Things got progressively worse. Work was always good but my personal life was in shambles. I was alone. My only reprieve was my co-worker, Jessica. She was the only one to see parts of the real me. Of course, I have never shown anyone the “real” me but that is an issue for another time. So time went by and the depression and the increasing anxiety just kept getting worse. I couldn’t stop myself. I was angry, sad, bitter, and envious. I could barely leave the house except for work. I started to distance myself even more than before. I was irrational and scared of everything. I thought I wasn’t worth the time or attention. The more I thought it, the more it became true. I excelled at work because it was one of the few things I could control. I needed that control. It was all I thought I had. If I didn’t excel at work than I would be even less than nothing. I couldn’t deal with that. The weight packed on even more. I was at the point I didn’t want anyone I use to know to ever see me. I was disgusted with myself. The depression got worse and once again, I turned to the only thing that would make me feel better. Food and shopping became my solace. Just a temporary fix but I needed it. My mom begged me to seek therapy. I was becoming a shell. My emotions disappeared and I didn’t feel anything more. I became a bitch to those close to me. I didn’t want to let certain people in. I was afraid to get hurt. The funny thing was, I Was only hurting myself.
The breaking point came over the summer. I wasn’t getting along with anyone anymore. Positivity was a foreign word. My relationships were disintegrating before my eyes and I was at fault. I hid it as much as I could from my co-workers but at that point I was convinced that I could disappear forever and no one would notice. Finally, in August, I sought help. I started seeing a therapist and then a psychiatric nurse practioner. My therapist thinks I have a chemical imbalance. The NP strongly advised I go on antidepressants to treat my depression and social anxiety. So my journey to mental health and happiness starts here and I will take you through the process. I know I left stuff out but editing does not sound like fun right now. There is more to come but for tonight I say, goodnight.
- L
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