Friendship, life, and waiting

Friendship. You never realize how important it is until you no longer have it or have less of it. What is the definition of friendship? It is the state of being a friend; a friendly relation or intimacy; friendly feeling or disposition. In my experience, people have different views on what makes a friend. Some see it as someone they can go out with it and the weekend. Others may see a friend as someone they can go to when times are hard. Others consider people they barely know as friends and it is a competition to see how many “friends” they can get (thank you MySpace and Facebook.) But if you really think about it, how many so called “friends” are going to be with you when you need it most. Probably not very many which is very sad. At least I know no matter what I have two people besides my family that love me for me. Our friendship doesn’t have any conditions to follow. It just is.


I think back to when I was at my worst and how I pushed so many people away. I hated myself and I guess I needed everyone to hate me too. It gave me a reason to say “see, my friends don’t even like me” and it gave me a reason to feel sorry for myself. Self-perception is never ending battle for me. I am never going to look at myself and really like who is looking back. It is something I have to accept. I am never going to be skinny or beautiful and at this rate, I am never going to get married or have kids. It hurts but what else can I do? I am just really happy to have my friends. They may not live around me but they are there for me. I want the best for them too even it means I am the one left behind. I always deal with it.


There are moments when I would give anything to trade spots with my sister. Why didn’t I have stage IV cancer? I know that is awful to say but I don’t have much to lose. She has a great boyfriend and three kids. It is just me here. But I guess God didn’t want it that way. I just wish I knew his plan because I am getting tired of waiting for something good to happen especially since I can’t find the good anywhere and it doesn’t find me. But maybe it is not supposed to find me or vice versa. Well I better get ready to go. Have a good night!

Victim, Control, and Life

Yesterday I decided to read some of my older posts and I feel like I come across as a victim but I’m not. A victim is a person who is deceived or cheated,as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others. This is just one definition. Was I deceived? Yes but I let it happen. I am at fault for a lot of what happened in my life. Did bad things happen and was I legitimately hurt by people? Yes but I could have done something about it. I should have stood up for myself. I just never believed in myself and I still don’t. I don’t how I am going to change that but I know no one can change it for me. I let myself become the victim. I hate it but I did that to myself. I victimized myself. I put myself down more than anyone. It is ridiculous I know but I am not at the point where I can stop myself. 

 

Thursday I have an appointment with my nurse practitioner. I have been on 200mg of Zoloft for 6 weeks now. I don’t notice a big difference except for I don’t get as upset as I use to and I can keep my emotions in check. It has been hard because work has been really busy and I haven’t had a lot of time to focus on me. I see my therapist again next week. I know it is important that I go but it can be emotionally draining. There have been improvements but I am not better. I still have a lot of work to do if you can’t already tell.  I have the worst self perception but it can’t be all in my mind. I know it’s not. I truly do believe that I don’t have anything worthwhile to offer anyone. Sometimes I feel easily replaceable. Sometimes I feel like I am already replaced. I don’t blame people. Who would want to deal with all my crap? I think about the people I see on a daily basis and I can’t help but wonder if they realize how much I don’t tell them. I don’t lie; I’m just not forthcoming with the information that would make me vulnerable. I will say that the drugs keep me from having a complete meltdown but there are times where I just want to ball my eyes out and I can’t. I feel the pain and sadness but I can’t express it. I guess that is something to bring up next week. I am also reading a book about anger. It is really informative and so much of it is me down to a T. If makes me wonder why am I so angry? Why do I hang on to it? I just don’t know. I guess being angry at the world is so much easier than being angry at me who at times I already hate.

There are times I am even angry at God. Why do I have to be this way? Why can’t I be happy? I ask for help and I don’t feel like a get it. I know it is all part of his plan but how do I know that this is the path I am suppose to be on? What if there was a sign and I missed it? Will there be another one? I have been thinking about going back to church. I know a few people who attend a Christian Church not too far from my house and they all love it. It is a big congregation. We shall see. I just feel that I need to find my way. There is so much I want to do but it all feel s so impossible. I guess the biggest question should be, “what do I want out of my life?”

~L

Where do I go from here?

Where am I going? I really don’t know. I hear people around me discussing their hobbies and how they hope to turn them into a career eventually. I think it is amazing they know what they want and have a talent for it as well. I don’t really think I have any real talent. I want to be a creative person but I just don’t have the skills. I am at the point now where I am asking myself “what am I good at” and “where do I want to end up?” I sometimes think, is this it? I have a hard time picturing my future. I try to have faith that God will take care of me but I am so alone and I don’t want to think this is part of the plan because it kind of sucks. But then again, maybe the best is yet to come. Maybe some tragic accident will happen and I really don’t have a future. You never know what could happen tomorrow. It scares me. If I do die young, at least I know God will be there to guide me. I do believe a 100% that he is there for me through the good and the bad but it is just so hard to leave it all in his hands. I try to trust it completely.

Lately, I have been thinking about why I am not in a relationship. I know that I don’t really get out there but it is hard because how am I supposed to do that when I don’t know even where to begin. I am not going to start hanging out in bars by myself. One, it is just weird and two, not the safest thing to do.  I also come back to fact is that I am just not that pretty. I have always been plain and I don’t really stand out among the crowd. I like to think I am approachable but maybe not. The only guys I attract are nowhere near my standards. I know it may seem like I have high standards but I really don’t. I just want to be someone that has a plan for his life and not happy with being just being slightly below average. It is hard to explain but when someone who works at a gas station hits on me, I don’t exactly swoon. I know you can’t help who you fall in love with but I don’t want that life. I am not saying he has to make a lot of money but at least working towards a career even if it is not glamorous or pays well. I don’t know if I make any sense. He doesn’t have to be extremely good looking but a least pleasant to look at. LOL. He has to be taller than me and have good morals. Also, he can’t be skinnier than me. It weirds me out too much. I don’t think that is asking a lot. I just don’t attract those guys or I am attracted to the ones I know will break my heart or would never give me a second glance.

I know it sounds like I am selling myself short but I really don’t get approached expect for old men and they don’t count. I just have this feeling that I am going to be a cat lady minus the cats. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I know I need help but online dating is not working for me. In fact, it just makes me feel worse about myself. Well I guess that is all for today.

Loss

We all experience loss time and time again. Whether it is a friend, a family member, a pet or relationship/friendship, loss is inevitable. We all deal with loss differently.  We all grieve differently. Some like to be alone, some surround themselves with loved ones and others choose to ignore it. It doesn’t matter how you grieve and I am sure psychologists around the world can tell you a thing or two on what is considered normal. It just really doesn’t matter. I lost loved ones and friends and it is never easy. Whether they are gone forever or just gone their separate ways, it is always hard. I have a way of just ignoring but that is not always the answer. I pretend it doesn’t bother me as much as it does or sometimes it doesn’t bother me as much as it should. I am very good at denial. I’m so good at it that I don’t even realize what I’m doing but that is a topic for another day.

The hardest lost for me was my Grandpa. I was only 17 and I do not feel that I had enough time with him.  Since I am the youngest, I have the least amount of memories but the ones I have are kept close. My favorite thing about my Grandpa was his laugh. He had great laugh. It came from deep within. I loved his humor. His favorite joke to tell was” I have pills for my memory but I forget to take them.” He would let me crawl on his lap and color. He and my Grandma introduced me to Herbie and we would always go for walks. If it weren’t for him, my parents wouldn’t have had enough money to drive to South Carolina and back to get married. He was a great man and his faith in God was untouchable. He died knowing God was with him and he would be okay. He told my mom he was more worried about us then himself.

My best friend back home is going through a similar loss today. Her Grandpa’s kidneys are failing and he is dying. I know the loss is hard for her and I want her to have God on her family’s side. I know she does not believe but I believe it doesn’t matter. One of my favorite Psalms is “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18. How true is this? What could be better than to have him there when you feel your lowest. I didn’t always have unbending faith but time has taught me that I need God in my life. God loves us all and I have to believe that my faith is enough to help her through this tough time. God is with her even if she doesn’t want to believe. I can picture her rolling her eyes at me right not. But “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. I cannot doubt the power of God even over those who doubt him.” Matthew 5:4.  

She inspired me today. She also brought back painful memories but I know what she is going through and know how incredibly strong she is and she doesn’t like to admit weakness. She doesn’t think she needs God on her side and I would never push it but I pray for her family and pray that this loss in time will not bring so much sorrow but bring the amazing memories he gave them over the years. I had the pleasure meeting him several times over the last 10-12 years and he is so friendly and kind.  He will be missed terribly but he will also be remembered greatly!

I leave you with my Grandpa’s favorite Psalm. Keep your love ones close and tell them you love them!

Psalm 23
The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

~ L

The New Year and Relationships...

It is finally 2011! I can’t believe how fast time flies when you get older. So far, my new year has been great. I’m a little tired but that is a norm for me. New Year’s Eve was a blast. There were a lot of laughs and plenty of ammo I can use later against my friends if needed. It DOES pay to be the only sober one at the party! I hope your new year is off to a great start. Even though it is a new year and a new start, I wanted to take the time to go back to past. I wholeheartedly believe you should never live in the past but at the same time it is what shapes the person you are right now.

A relationship, it is the one thing I am absolutely terrible at getting right! It is no wonder why I have so many issues with it at this point in my life. So let’s go back to reasons why. I am only going to focus on three relationships. There were other guys in between but no one worth mentioning. So the first guy was my high school boyfriend. We dated my senior of high school. He and I had been friends since I was 14. He was a really good guy and still is but our relationship was not a typical high school relationship. We both had walls up and never let each other in. If it wasn’t one thing, it was another. We let friends get in the way and dictate our relationship. We were never alone and when we were, it was awkward. My senior year was not the best year of my life either. My grandpa died in November, my mom was not dealing well, everyone was dreading Christmas, and there was so much pressure on me to be everything to everyone. I wanted to be the perfect girlfriend and be attentive and affectionate but I couldn’t. My depression took a new turn during this time and I felt bored and distant from everyone and everything. So I ended the relationship. I couldn’t deal and I broke his heart. I felt awful but I just couldn’t sort my own feelings out and I didn’t want to deal with his. One thing for sure was I was not in “love” with him. I loved him and a part of me always will. We are still friends and I care for him deeply. But it wasn’t “love.” I was only 17 and I was a mess even then.  It was hard because we had a close knit group of friends and it tore some things apart. A part of me does regret it but at the same time, maybe it was for the best. I found out quickly who were my real friends.

The next guy is the hardest to talk about and he causes the most pain. He and I were off and on since I was 19. We met when I was 18. There were many warning signs but I missed them all. I met him at work and he just had me hooked from the first look. I can’t explain what it was but I knew I had to be with him. I was really bummed he had a fiancé and was planning on getting married. I am not a home wrecker so instead we became friends. He made me laugh and we liked a lot of the same things. He was so different from all the guys I was usually around. He and I talked about everything. Our interests were the same and we got each other’s sense of humor. It just worked. I was relieved when I heard he and his fiancé broke up. However, I never once thought he would be interested in me. He was. I was still extremely shy and would never have made the first move. When things started to change, I was in denial. I always felt less than worthy. I felt ugly and like always, only saw my flaws. I will never forget the way he asked me out the first time. We were at work and he was so casual about it. He came up to me and said “So when are we going on a date” and then it all fell into place. We did the dance of dating but not dating but it always came back to him. Unfortunately, time was running out. He enlisted in the air force and was off to boot camp. At the time, saying goodbye was the hardest thing. I knew then that I loved him. I knew his reasons for going and respected his decision. He wanted a better life and who was I to deny him of that? He wrote me some of the sweetest letters while he was in boot camp and he called as much as he could after it was over. It was finally time for his first leave and we were going to be together again. I was elated. I started picturing my life with him and it looked great. However, I did not plan on him getting back into drugs and hanging with his loser friends the entire time. He blew me off and treated me horribly the last couple of weeks. He wouldn’t call me and he wouldn’t answer for me either. At the time, I didn’t know what went wrong. On his last night in Vegas, he ended things. His reasoning was he was off the England and then Iraq in a month. He thought it would be best. He broke my heart and there was nothing I could do. We didn’t speak again until 5-6 months later.

During those months, I started having feelings for someone else. He was so different than me. He was the ultimate bad boy/ heartbreaker according to my friends and family. I didn’t care. He had the weirdest sense of humor, his taste in music sucked, and he watched the stupidest movies but I loved every moment of it. He was so alive and reckless. I was still the girl who did what her parents asked of her and stayed out of trouble. He had tattoos and piercings where guy 1 and 2 only had a few piercings (that later changed.) We were so mismatched and my best friends hated him. They couldn’t stand each other. Things weren’t great though. He was a druggie. He seemed to do it all. X, pain pills, shrooms, and then meth. I stuck around anyway even though I knew I was not okay with it. It was bad enough I for some reason always ended up with smokers but this was new territory for me. I just couldn’t make myself walk away and I can’t even explain why. Maybe it is the whole opposites attract theory. It wasn’t only the drugs that affected things. He always found a way to put me down. Whether it was what I was wearing, how I wore my hair, and how little sexual experience I had compared to other girls my age. I never met anyone until then that made me feel like I was a freak for wanting sex to mean something and not be some random hook up. I wasn’t looking for the fairytale and I am not a prude. I just didn’t want to go down the same path as my friends. He and I were always one step forward, then three steps back. It was a push and shove thing (not literally). I was on an emotional rollercoaster. I was up and down. My weight was up and down. I should have walked away before things got worse but I guess I was a glutton for punishment.

To my surprise, guy #2 contacted me during the craziness of guy #3. He asked me to marry him. He didn’t go to Iraq right away but was leaving very soon. I was confused. I loved him but I was not ready for marriage especially since he tossed me away so easily months before. Sometimes I still regret that decision because maybe I would have been spared some of the pain to come but there’s no going back. I told him no and it was a few months before I heard from him again. In the meantime, guy 3 and I were still a chaotic mess. I started a new job and he took on a second job. One Friday, we finally took the time to really spend time together and that was the night, my heart was broken again. Towards the end of the night, he told me had been sleeping with his manager at the 2^nd job and she is the one who got him started on the meth. She couldn’t wait to rub my face in it. Worst of all, she was old enough to be his mom. She was a cougar alright. It would be a year before I would speak to him again. That was the only time in my life when I was violently sick because of a guy. It didn’t help that during our time together was when I started to cut myself and stay out all night and come home just in time to get to my first class in the morning. My mom hated it and tried to force more rules on me. I think she was relieved when I found out he was sleeping around. She knew I wouldn’t stick around.

Well, leave it to guy 2 to come back around. We started a tentative friendship again. Well time had passed and I found I was more in love than ever before. He seemed to have grown up and although the constant distant was hard, we made it work. He was in England and the phone bills were outrageous but I seemed to be momentarily happy again. I stopped cutting myself and felt more relaxed. Another warning sign came and it was letting guys dictate how I feel about myself. Things were going really well until one day, they weren’t. I know he was going through personal issues with his family back home and I was trying to be patient. He never sent my Christmas gift he supposedly got me and never called on Valentine’s Day. March came and I rarely heard from him. I was in a car accident and it took a couple of days to even respond to my message. He barely asked if I was ok. The “I love yous” stopped and the next thing I know, it was over. He ended it again when I gave him the out. I told him how I felt and it was up to him if were to stay together or be apart and he chose the latter. I wanted him to choose me and he didn’t. This time, I barely cried. I closed off completely the next day. I didn’t cry a single tear until guy 3 came back around.

He caught me on the rebound and I was swept up again. Things seemed to be different. He kicked the meth habit and wasn’t sleeping with his manager anymore. He was staying away from drugs and it almost looked like he was getting his life together. Boy was I wrong. Apparently, once again, I was not enough for him because it withheld information from me and thanks to MySpace, I found out the truth. He had a girlfriend. I called him out on it and swore they were just friends. I had doubts but I was starting to waiver until the girlfriend contacted me. That was a “fun” conversation. She was younger and immature and apparently saw it fit to call me the bitch. It seemed she missed the part about him being the liar and the cheater. I was a wreck. I cried and cried and asked God “what was wrong with me?” My family tried to console me but it was like I hit the breaking point. I know they eventually ended things but he and I would not speak again. He did however send me an email a year later apologizing for his actions. We aren’t really friends but I don’t hate him anymore. I want the best for him. It stung a little when I found out about his getting married and having two kids but I know now that wasn’t what God had planned for me.

So to make a long story even longer, guy 2 came back, again. He said he regretted his decision and was sorry. I told him I was moving to Phoenix and started a new chapter. A few months later, he was married. Now that hurt. One minute he is telling how much I mean to him and the next thing I know he is married to a girl from Vegas. Nice.  Well I started a new job and moved to a new city. I was in transition. I carried around all the pain that occurred over the years. I was becoming more reclusive and didn’t trust anyone. I didn’t want to get hurt again. A part of me was running from the past but it always finds you. I heard from him again right before Christmas. He and his wife were separated and he said he thought about me all the time. He made a mistake with her and wanted to come see me. I told him I didn’t think it would be right if he was still married. We agreed to talk about it once it got back into the states in a few days. I never heard from him again. I wrote him once. No response. Later, I found out from a mutual friend he did get a divorce and was remarried and now has two kids. She is really young. Barely 20.

Are you kidding me? They put through hell and they get the happy ending? I am not a girl obsessed with the fairytale but what happened to karma? Why do they get to be happy when I have been through hell? I carry around a lot of that anger. His wife is young and already has two kids. I am down to one ovary and there is not guarantee I will be able to have kids. Seriously. Life is definitely not fair. If you are asking why I let him hurt me so much, I can’t really explain it. It is like the movie Brokeback Mountain where one of the characters says “I can’t quit you.” Well I am not a guy and I am not gay but it works. There was just something that drew me in and kept me there. I sometimes wonder if I would make the same mistake again if he came back into my life. I HATE him with every fiber in my being and I blame him and myself for making me so weak. I am terrified of feeling like that again. I am terrified of starting a new relationship because I feel like my heart never really healed. So this is where the hesitance comes in and why I let my insecurities get the best of me. They beat me down emotionally. I was made to feel like I was not ever going to be worthy of someone’s love. I feel the pressure of being alone weigh down on me every day. It haunts me.

It doesn’t help that most relationships I have seen/experienced in my life have been dysfunctional. I do not want my parent’s marriage. Separate rooms? No thank you! My sister has been divorced three times, my brother is divorced and doing only God knows what, and both are very negative about the institution of marriage. However, I have hope. I was inspired to write this blog by witnessing 4 separate relationships. They make me believe that maybe, just maybe, it could work. I see these couples at all different stages in their relationship and they all seem so in love. I want that. I don’t know what God has planned for me but I have to have hope that finding love will be a part of it.

Well, this took longer than I anticipated but it was like a mini therapy session. I understand why my therapist suggested it. LOL. Happy New Year!

~L