Yesterday I decided to read some of my older posts and I feel like I come across as a victim but I’m not. A victim is a person who is deceived or cheated,as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others. This is just one definition. Was I deceived? Yes but I let it happen. I am at fault for a lot of what happened in my life. Did bad things happen and was I legitimately hurt by people? Yes but I could have done something about it. I should have stood up for myself. I just never believed in myself and I still don’t. I don’t how I am going to change that but I know no one can change it for me. I let myself become the victim. I hate it but I did that to myself. I victimized myself. I put myself down more than anyone. It is ridiculous I know but I am not at the point where I can stop myself.
Thursday I have an appointment with my nurse practitioner. I have been on 200mg of Zoloft for 6 weeks now. I don’t notice a big difference except for I don’t get as upset as I use to and I can keep my emotions in check. It has been hard because work has been really busy and I haven’t had a lot of time to focus on me. I see my therapist again next week. I know it is important that I go but it can be emotionally draining. There have been improvements but I am not better. I still have a lot of work to do if you can’t already tell. I have the worst self perception but it can’t be all in my mind. I know it’s not. I truly do believe that I don’t have anything worthwhile to offer anyone. Sometimes I feel easily replaceable. Sometimes I feel like I am already replaced. I don’t blame people. Who would want to deal with all my crap? I think about the people I see on a daily basis and I can’t help but wonder if they realize how much I don’t tell them. I don’t lie; I’m just not forthcoming with the information that would make me vulnerable. I will say that the drugs keep me from having a complete meltdown but there are times where I just want to ball my eyes out and I can’t. I feel the pain and sadness but I can’t express it. I guess that is something to bring up next week. I am also reading a book about anger. It is really informative and so much of it is me down to a T. If makes me wonder why am I so angry? Why do I hang on to it? I just don’t know. I guess being angry at the world is so much easier than being angry at me who at times I already hate.
There are times I am even angry at God. Why do I have to be this way? Why can’t I be happy? I ask for help and I don’t feel like a get it. I know it is all part of his plan but how do I know that this is the path I am suppose to be on? What if there was a sign and I missed it? Will there be another one? I have been thinking about going back to church. I know a few people who attend a Christian Church not too far from my house and they all love it. It is a big congregation. We shall see. I just feel that I need to find my way. There is so much I want to do but it all feel s so impossible. I guess the biggest question should be, “what do I want out of my life?”
~L
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