Where am I going? I really don’t know. I hear people around me discussing their hobbies and how they hope to turn them into a career eventually. I think it is amazing they know what they want and have a talent for it as well. I don’t really think I have any real talent. I want to be a creative person but I just don’t have the skills. I am at the point now where I am asking myself “what am I good at” and “where do I want to end up?” I sometimes think, is this it? I have a hard time picturing my future. I try to have faith that God will take care of me but I am so alone and I don’t want to think this is part of the plan because it kind of sucks. But then again, maybe the best is yet to come. Maybe some tragic accident will happen and I really don’t have a future. You never know what could happen tomorrow. It scares me. If I do die young, at least I know God will be there to guide me. I do believe a 100% that he is there for me through the good and the bad but it is just so hard to leave it all in his hands. I try to trust it completely.
Lately, I have been thinking about why I am not in a relationship. I know that I don’t really get out there but it is hard because how am I supposed to do that when I don’t know even where to begin. I am not going to start hanging out in bars by myself. One, it is just weird and two, not the safest thing to do. I also come back to fact is that I am just not that pretty. I have always been plain and I don’t really stand out among the crowd. I like to think I am approachable but maybe not. The only guys I attract are nowhere near my standards. I know it may seem like I have high standards but I really don’t. I just want to be someone that has a plan for his life and not happy with being just being slightly below average. It is hard to explain but when someone who works at a gas station hits on me, I don’t exactly swoon. I know you can’t help who you fall in love with but I don’t want that life. I am not saying he has to make a lot of money but at least working towards a career even if it is not glamorous or pays well. I don’t know if I make any sense. He doesn’t have to be extremely good looking but a least pleasant to look at. LOL. He has to be taller than me and have good morals. Also, he can’t be skinnier than me. It weirds me out too much. I don’t think that is asking a lot. I just don’t attract those guys or I am attracted to the ones I know will break my heart or would never give me a second glance.
I know it sounds like I am selling myself short but I really don’t get approached expect for old men and they don’t count. I just have this feeling that I am going to be a cat lady minus the cats. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I know I need help but online dating is not working for me. In fact, it just makes me feel worse about myself. Well I guess that is all for today.
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