Victim, Control, and Life

Yesterday I decided to read some of my older posts and I feel like I come across as a victim but I’m not. A victim is a person who is deceived or cheated,as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others. This is just one definition. Was I deceived? Yes but I let it happen. I am at fault for a lot of what happened in my life. Did bad things happen and was I legitimately hurt by people? Yes but I could have done something about it. I should have stood up for myself. I just never believed in myself and I still don’t. I don’t how I am going to change that but I know no one can change it for me. I let myself become the victim. I hate it but I did that to myself. I victimized myself. I put myself down more than anyone. It is ridiculous I know but I am not at the point where I can stop myself. 

 

Thursday I have an appointment with my nurse practitioner. I have been on 200mg of Zoloft for 6 weeks now. I don’t notice a big difference except for I don’t get as upset as I use to and I can keep my emotions in check. It has been hard because work has been really busy and I haven’t had a lot of time to focus on me. I see my therapist again next week. I know it is important that I go but it can be emotionally draining. There have been improvements but I am not better. I still have a lot of work to do if you can’t already tell.  I have the worst self perception but it can’t be all in my mind. I know it’s not. I truly do believe that I don’t have anything worthwhile to offer anyone. Sometimes I feel easily replaceable. Sometimes I feel like I am already replaced. I don’t blame people. Who would want to deal with all my crap? I think about the people I see on a daily basis and I can’t help but wonder if they realize how much I don’t tell them. I don’t lie; I’m just not forthcoming with the information that would make me vulnerable. I will say that the drugs keep me from having a complete meltdown but there are times where I just want to ball my eyes out and I can’t. I feel the pain and sadness but I can’t express it. I guess that is something to bring up next week. I am also reading a book about anger. It is really informative and so much of it is me down to a T. If makes me wonder why am I so angry? Why do I hang on to it? I just don’t know. I guess being angry at the world is so much easier than being angry at me who at times I already hate.

There are times I am even angry at God. Why do I have to be this way? Why can’t I be happy? I ask for help and I don’t feel like a get it. I know it is all part of his plan but how do I know that this is the path I am suppose to be on? What if there was a sign and I missed it? Will there be another one? I have been thinking about going back to church. I know a few people who attend a Christian Church not too far from my house and they all love it. It is a big congregation. We shall see. I just feel that I need to find my way. There is so much I want to do but it all feel s so impossible. I guess the biggest question should be, “what do I want out of my life?”

~L

Where do I go from here?

Where am I going? I really don’t know. I hear people around me discussing their hobbies and how they hope to turn them into a career eventually. I think it is amazing they know what they want and have a talent for it as well. I don’t really think I have any real talent. I want to be a creative person but I just don’t have the skills. I am at the point now where I am asking myself “what am I good at” and “where do I want to end up?” I sometimes think, is this it? I have a hard time picturing my future. I try to have faith that God will take care of me but I am so alone and I don’t want to think this is part of the plan because it kind of sucks. But then again, maybe the best is yet to come. Maybe some tragic accident will happen and I really don’t have a future. You never know what could happen tomorrow. It scares me. If I do die young, at least I know God will be there to guide me. I do believe a 100% that he is there for me through the good and the bad but it is just so hard to leave it all in his hands. I try to trust it completely.

Lately, I have been thinking about why I am not in a relationship. I know that I don’t really get out there but it is hard because how am I supposed to do that when I don’t know even where to begin. I am not going to start hanging out in bars by myself. One, it is just weird and two, not the safest thing to do.  I also come back to fact is that I am just not that pretty. I have always been plain and I don’t really stand out among the crowd. I like to think I am approachable but maybe not. The only guys I attract are nowhere near my standards. I know it may seem like I have high standards but I really don’t. I just want to be someone that has a plan for his life and not happy with being just being slightly below average. It is hard to explain but when someone who works at a gas station hits on me, I don’t exactly swoon. I know you can’t help who you fall in love with but I don’t want that life. I am not saying he has to make a lot of money but at least working towards a career even if it is not glamorous or pays well. I don’t know if I make any sense. He doesn’t have to be extremely good looking but a least pleasant to look at. LOL. He has to be taller than me and have good morals. Also, he can’t be skinnier than me. It weirds me out too much. I don’t think that is asking a lot. I just don’t attract those guys or I am attracted to the ones I know will break my heart or would never give me a second glance.

I know it sounds like I am selling myself short but I really don’t get approached expect for old men and they don’t count. I just have this feeling that I am going to be a cat lady minus the cats. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I know I need help but online dating is not working for me. In fact, it just makes me feel worse about myself. Well I guess that is all for today.